The NHL All-Star game is a time for the game’s biggest stars to showcase their skills. Saying that, there has been some criticism over the format used in recent years.
The NHL decided that in order to be more inclusive to all fans, they would require at least one participant from each team. As a result, the snub list is likely more talented than ever. You can bet that in years before the rule change, Clayton Keller would not be chosen ahead of Mitch Marner.
At BarDown, we’ve decided there’s an alternate solution. Instead of picking players based on their skill, only to then have skill left in the wind in an effort to include all teams, it should be a completely different format in general. What’s something that all NHL teams have? Nicknames!
Yesterday we put together the All-Star rosters if they were chosen based on quality of hair, now we’re doing a list based on quality of nickname. With all these new and novel options on the table, we’re thinking the NHL should be swiping up and implementing one of these ideas as early as next year.
Rules:
- As in the real All-Star selections, there must be one representative from each team
- The divisions must honour the same position format (2G, 2D, 6F) as the real selections (Before “Last Man In”)
- Selections are based on originality and cleverness, not how often they are used or how close they are to the player’s real name
Ladies and gentleman, the 2018-19 All-Nickname Team!
Atlantic Division:
G: FLA – Bobby Lu (Roberto Luongo)
G: FLA – Optimus Reim (James Reimer)
D: DET – The Kronwall (Niklas Kronwall)
D: BOS – Big Z (Zdeno Chara)
F: TOR – Downtown Connor Brown (Connor Brown)
F: TB – The Russian Rifle (Nikita Kucherov)
F: BOS – Pasta (David Pastrnak)
F: BUF – Justin Bieber of Hockey (Jeff Skinner)
F: MTL – Mad Max (Mad Domi)
F: OTT – Honey Badger (Jean-Gabriel Pageau)
Analysis:
The Atlantic Division sets a pretty high bar with this list of nickies. Florida really comes out the gate strong with a tandem of great goaltender nicknames. It’s a good thing too, because outside of them there really aren’t that many great nicknames manning the Atlantic creases. Vaseline? Freddy? The Panthers really saved the day with this one.
Onto the blueline where two classic nicknames hold it down. Big Z and The Kronwall are have been around for long, long time. Including this season, the two of them have 36 seasons (!!!) total between them. Not only that, their nicknames are veterans as well.
Kronwall, nicknamed for his vicious plasterings of opposing wingers, and Chara, nicknamed for his 6’9 stature, deliver two referential nicknames that are hard to compete with. On top of that, the Big Z burger was the best thing on the menu back when Zellers was still kickin’ it in Canada with their classic diners. Anyone? Anyone?
The forwards offer some top notch creativity as well. The Justin Bieber of Hockey really stands out, and it was the result of Skinner’s former Carolina Hurricanes teammates believing Skinner’s baby face was deserving of a nickname. Downtown Connor Brown (who narrowly edged out Mitch Marner's "The Magician" and Nazem Kadri's "Nazeem the Dream") and Mad Max are pop-culture references that appropriately use their names, and for some reason it seems like they are just perfectly suited for each guy’s playing style.
Pasta is one we’ve never heard before, but the origins are clear, and the Russian Rifle just keeps getting better the more Kucherov becomes a superstar. The Honey Badger refers to Pageau’s willingness to duke it out in the corners and definitely rounds out the group nicely.
While the Atlantic offers a balanced mix of classic names and creative names, it doesn’t quite have the “UMPH” factor to receive an A.
Grade: B+
Metro Division:
G: CLB – BOBROVSKY! (To be yelled) (Sergei Bobrovsky)
G: NYR – The King (Henrik Lundqvist)
D PHI – Ghost (Shayne Gostisbehere)
D: NJD – The Butcher (Will Butcher)
F: PIT – Sid the Kid (Sidney Crosby)
F: WSH – The Great 8 (Alex Ovechkin)
F: CLB – The Breadman (Artemi Panarin)
F: PIT – Phil the Thrill (Phil Kessel)
F: CAR – Mr. Game 7 (Justin Williams)
F: NYI – Uncle Leo (Leo Komarov)
Analysis:
Just like in the All-Hair Team selections, the Metro has a VERY strong showing in the All-Nickname Team. The Jay and Dan special, "BOBROVSKY!", kicks off the Metro with a gusto that just isn’t available elsewhere in the NHL. The fact his own name simply yelled can even qualify as a nickname is a dynamic that is needed to send a roster to the next level. His crease partner Lundqvist offers up a classic nickname that is impossible to bash. He’s the King, baby!
The blueline is definitely the weak spot for the Metro. The Butcher would be a cool nickname, similar to The Dentist in D2, except for the fact that it is just his real name. Overall, the Devils are one of the weakest teams when it comes to nicknames, with hardly any good ones available to contribute to the Metro team. Gostisbehere has a few solid nicknames, with Ghost, Ghost Bear, and (Ghost Emoji) (Bear Emoji) setting the bar, but it’s not enough to make up for the absolute liability on the other end (damn Devils...).
The forwards corps is full of absolute beauties. You’ve got Sid the Kid and The Great 8 representing two of the most iconic nicknames in the league. They’re so classic that Sid isn’t even a kid anymore and it's still going strong. The Breadman, creative and original, relatively new on the scene. Phill the Thrill, needs no explanation. Absolutely perfect.
Mr. Game 7, a reference to Justin Williams' penchant to perform in the Stanley Cup Playoffs is the sort of winning-pedigree nickname every elite nickname team should have. And Uncle Leo, well, Seinfeld fans know.
Overall the forward grouping is the best in the league, and if it weren’t for a weak showing on defence the Metro would receive a perfect grade.
Grade: A
Central Division:
G: MIN – The Giraffe (Devin Dubnyk)
G: STL – Jake the Snake (Jake Allen)
D: WPG – Big Buff (Dustin Byfuglien)
D: NSH – Subbanator (P.K. Subban)
F: CHI – Captain Serious (Jonathan Toews)
F: COL – Gabe the Babe (Gabriel Landeskog)
F: DAL – Chubbs (Jamie Benn)
F: WPG – Hat-trick Laine (Patrik Laine)
F: CHI – Showtime (Patrick Kane)
F: COL – Mac Daddy (Nathan MacKinnon)
Analysis:
Ugh, the Central. Similar to the All-Hair Team, just a relatively weak showing.
The Giraffe is a decent nickname, and it goes back to Dubnyk’s days with the Kamloops Blazers. It is the reason the Minnesota Wild goaltender has a giraffe on his mask. Jake the Snake is fairly subpar, and for some reason it makes him seem worse. You don’t want a snake on your team! Beyond that, it’s just a simple rhyme. Meh.
The “meh” continues when we hit the blueline. Big Buff is kind of cool, but it doesn’t have the same kind of "Big" tenure as Big Z in the Atlantic. Subbanator, which doubles as Subban’s Instagram handle, is also just a run of the mill nickname with nothing really special to offer.
Captain Serious gets the forwards started off right, and Hat-Trick Laine is a nickname that indicates high-level acheivment, and it comes from such a young player. It becomes fairly lukewarm after that. Showtime is cool, but he’s not referred to this enough for it to be a difference maker. Gabe the Babe, Chubbs, Mac Daddy. We refer to the term used a couple times previously in this analysis; meh.
Grade: C
Pacific Division:
G: VGK – Flower (Marc-Andre Fleury)
G: CGY – Big Save Dave (David Rittich)
D: SJ – Pickles (Marc-Edouard Vlasic)
D: ARI – Hammer (Niklas Hjalmarsson)
F: CGY – Johnny Hockey (Johnny Gaudreau)
F: EDM – The Chosen One (Connor McDavid)
F: VAN – Prince Charming (Brock Boeser)
F: SJ – Jumbo (Joe Thornton)
F: LA – Flowpitar (Anze Kopitar)
F: ANH – Scorey Perry (Corey Perry)
Analysis:
The Pacific Division should just be renamed the Fun Division. They delivered on the All-Hair Team, and they deliver on the All-Nickname team.
Flower perfectly encapsulates everyone’s favourite NHL personality, and Big Save Dave – a new nickname on the block – gives some fresh energy. Saying that, there is the chance that the nickname is no good at this time next year. That’s the difference between Big Save Dave and The King. One of those names will definitely never die.
Defence delivers a couple strong names. Pickles is hilarious. You couldn’t ask for a better product to share a name with when it comes to nickname assignment. Hammer is okay, but nothing crazy. The Coyotes just really didn’t offer much in the way of nicknames, so we’ll take Hammer as a decent-yet-unspectacular option.
In a similar trajectory as the Metro, the forwards really, REALLY deliever some quality nicknames for the Pacific. Johnny Hockey is sure to solidify itself into hockey nickname lore, alongside other greats on the list such as Sid the Kid and The Great 8. Gaudreau just needs to continue producing as a player. The Chosen One is obviously in that conversation as well, and Jumbo Joe Thornton is another deadly nickname threat in the forward corps.
Prince Charming and Flowpitar have to do with each player’s loaf, and that is something we here at BarDown obviously value very heavily. Scorey Perry was better when Perry was himself was better, but it’s a decent nickname to round out the bunch nonetheless.
Overall, a great showing that is one classic nickname away from the best grade in the league.
Grade: A-
Do you agree with our grades? Let us know @BarDown!
