Yeah, sure, craftiness, toughness, and a wicked shot help you succeed at hockey. It’s important to be good at the game. There, we said it.
Saying that, we should all just put skill on the backburner and focus on what really matter. Style.
There are a few looks that have become synonymous with the game. The black eye, the backwards snapback, and the toothless smile pretty much scream hockey, but one stylistic element every puck player can appreciate is a luscious set of locks. Oh yeah, we’re talking lettuce, baby!
In celebration of All-Star Weekend, and as an act of flow appreciation, we’ve gone to the trouble of reimagining the All-Star rosters with one important catch; the only thing that matters is the player’s loaf.
Rules:
- As in the real All-Star selections, there must be one representative from each team
- The divisions must honour the same position format (2G, 2D, 6F) as the real selections (Before “Last Man In”)
- Selections are not based simply on length, other factors can play into higher quality hair
Ladies and gentleman, the 2018-19 All-Hair Teams!
Atlantic Division:
G: FLA – Roberto Luongo
G: DET – Jonathan Bernier
D: MTL – Jordie Benn
D: TB – Victor Hedman
F: DET – Tyler Bertuzzi
F: TOR – Kasperi Kapanen
F: BUF – Jack Eichel
F: BOS – David Pastrnak
F: OTT – Mark Stone
F: TOR – Tyler Ennis
Analysis:
The Atlantic division definitely has some strong players letting their flow fly. Roberto Luongo has been around the hair game for years, a true veteran, while youngsters Tyler Bertuzzi and Kasperi Kapanen certainly hold their own as the new kids on the block.
After those three, there really isn’t much to write home about. Jonathan Bernier’s clean cut offers a different dynamic, and Jack Eichel’s Mr. Noodle potential mixed in with David Pastrnak’s grease-ball getup certainly keeps you on your toes. Topped all that off with Hedman’s decline in the hair game, and Jordie Benn’s reliance on the beard, and you’ve got yourself a fairly weak middle-of-the-pack.
Let’s not even talk about Mark Stone. We just needed a Senator.
Grade: B-
Metropolitan Division:
G: WSH – Braden Holtby
G: NYR – Henrik Lundqvist
D: CAR – Justin Faulk
D : PIT – Kris Letang
F: CAR – Brock McGinn
F: PHI – Jakub Voracek
F: CLB – Anthony Duclair
F: WSH – T.J. Oshie
F: NJD – Brian Boyle
F: NYI – Matt Martin
Analysis:
Ahhh, the Metropolitan Division! Now we’re cookin’!
The Metro starts off with a very solid goaltender tandem in this, the Flolympics. Braden Holtby and Henrik Lundqvist have been tossing their locks around for a number of years, and both have become synonymous with the popularizing trend of goalie flow.
To follow up the ‘tendies, the Hurricanes offer a pair of very solid selections in Justin Faulk and Brock McGinn. Jakub Voracek’s wildfire look is a staple for his Flyers franchise, and one of the most unique styles in the whole competition has to be Anthony Duclair. The jet black of Brian Boyle brings a sleek element to the game, while T.J. Oshie, Matt Martin, and Kris Letang have all held their own for a long time.
Overall, there is not a weak link in the Metro. These guys condition.
Grade: A
Central Division:
G: COL – Philipp Grubauer
G: WPG – Connor Hellebuyck
D: CHI – Duncan Keith
D: WPG – Sami Niku
F: DAL – Tyler Seguin
F: WPG – Mathieu Perreault
F: STL – Ryan O'Reilly
F: NSH – Viktor Arvidsson
F: DAL – Jamie Benn
F: MIN – J.T. Brown
Analysis:
Ugh, put it away…
The Central Division, albeit disadvantaged by having one less team than the others, appears to be throwing in the towel and picking up the scissors. Kudos to Mathieu Perreault for attempting to put the team on his back, but there just isn’t a consistent enough effort here.
Starting with the goalies, Philipp Grubauer and Connor Hellebuyck literally wouldn’t make the cut (pun intended) if they were in any other division. They’re hardly outpacing Craig Anderson in the goalie flow power rankings. They are simply here because Grubauer seems to put in a little bit of effort, while Hellebuyck has the medium-length fallback. Not a good showing from the crease.
The blueline doesn’t get much better. Duncan Keith has always kept a solid head of hair, and he isn’t the weakest on this list, but he shouldn’t be anyone’s #1 D-Man with his mediocre stature. What is this, the 2016 Toronto Maple Leafs?
Sami Niku is alright as well, and it's a good thing he's there, because after him the hair game falls off drastically in the Central.
Onto the forwards, and it doesn’t get much better. With the exception of Perreault, and possibly J.T. Brown just based on sheer whackiness, there isn’t really a ton here. Tyler Seguin has great hair, but it’s closer to run of the mill than it is to star player.
Meanwhile, Ryan O’Reilly and Viktor Arvidsson are simply team representatives with decent enough hair, but with such little star power in the Central Division these guys certainly won’t be the difference makers.
Jamie Benn has a thick loaf, but let’s be honest, he may not even be the best Benn on the list when it comes down to it.
Grade: D
Pacific Divison:
G: CGY – Mike Smith
G: VGK – Marc-Andre Fleury
D SJ – Erik Karlsson
D SJ – Brent Burns
F: VAN – Brock Boeser
F: VGK – William Karlsson
F: LA – Adrian Kempe
F: EDM – Connor McDavid
F: ARI – Mario Kempe
F: ANH – Ryan Kesler
Analysis:
STRAP ON YOUR SEATBELTS, THIS PLACE IS ABOUT TO FILL WITH BEAUTIES!
The Pacific Division. Land of the beaches, the sunscreen, and a sort of hair volume you’ll only find on the west coast. You’re more likely to walk into a rogue hair flip than a snowstorm in the pacific division. How's that for hockey?
Mike Smith and Marc-Andre Fleury. Two absolute studs when it comes to this particular category. Flower may not be quite where he used to be, but this is the kind of adversity that a veteran thrives in.
Next up, the San Jose Sharks prowling on the blueline. Erik Karlsson’s suave-pirate look paired with Brent Burns wild caveman appearance is a combination that just can’t be matched. Rumour has it these two split an entire bottle of conditioner while tending to their most valuable attribute.
The blueline is so strong it snubbed Drew Doughty, who would by #1 D-man in any other division. We haven’t even got to the heart of the lineup.
Brock Boeser, William Karlsson, and Adrian Kempe are crushing it, and their hair has become part of who they are. Watch as fans faint over a simple brushing of the hair out of the eyes. Boeser’s nickname is literally Prince Charming.
Connor McDavid has used the 2018-19 season to pair his elite game play with an up-and-coming flow. It was recently featured in GQ magazine, so you could say it’s going pretty well.
Mario Kempe and Ryan Kesler are both solid role players that offer a nice complimenting head of hair. Adrian's brother Mario offers some solid strands while Kesler’s thick slick adds another dynamic to an already stellar Pacific Division.
Grade: A+
Do you agree with our grades? Let us know @BarDown!
